Lost and Found Chapter 3: Struggles with Being Emotional
The third track of my project touches on a very overwhelming subject to actually discuss: being emotional. Frankly, I am writing this post like WHERE DO I BEGIN? I feel like everyone at one point in time or another has been called emotional or melodramatic. Perhaps not on a regular basis but at least in one instance. Trust me folks; I've been called both countless times.
Lordt. I've been referred to as emotional on MULTIPLE occasions. Honestly, it's embarrassing to admit but *sigh* it's true. I've been known to pop off. I get hype. I do not back down. I fight for what I feel is right. On the flip side of this; I am sensitive. I'm moved by things daily. I'm nostalgic. I fall hard. I love deeply. My feelings can and do get hurt.
The polarity of my emotions can be a lot for me to deal with; and the level of patience I'm sure is needed when dealing with me is appreciated. Now when I refer to being emotional, I am illustrating how I behave in relationships; that is really the only time that aspect of myself really shows itself. I feel I can break it down into the three factors that are the root of my emotional behavior. A: I'm sensitive. B: I am very black & white in my interpersonal relationships. C: I have a fragile ego in romantic scenarios. I will further explain.
First, I am very sensitive. I cry at movies, touching moments, sweet sentiment, thoughtfulness. I am very understanding and I think it stems from being sensitive to the people and situations around me. I perceive sensitivity as a positive trait, but when I take things to heart when I shouldn't it can quickly become a negative. We live in an age where it seems that showing any type of emotion is deemed as undesirable or weak. Real talk, that is an ego based thought process.
Causes B and C of my emotional struggles are stemmed in ego. Why? Let's get into cause B: being black & white in my relationships. That is totally ego. Ego needs to be control. It cannot go with the flow and objectively look at situations as they naturally evolve. Ego needs things to be all in or all out, no understanding of the need for grey area to strengthen our trust and bonds. Ego wants to avoid any kind of vulnerability or embarrassment.
Henceforth, I've rushed things to one extreme or the other. Either we are all in, super "in love" or all out ie. not speaking. That's where I get called emotional. Those are two very opposite ends of the "emotional" spectrum. But let's be real. That's not true emotion. It's EGO. I guess without realizing it, knowing exactly where I stood in a relationship allowed me to know exactly how to move. The alternative in my mind was that any uncertainty could potentially hurt my fragile ego, so I simply could not relax. To take my ego out of it would mean to be present in each moment, flow through the grey areas and just enjoy the ride.
Thankfully, I feel now that that is the best way to move through most things; just going with the flow. When we meet someone new that we are really feeling, we have to understand that we basically have to catch a wave in their lives'. Our lives are a sea of moving parts and experiences, all we can truly do is go with the flow when entering someone else's world and enjoy each moment for as long as that lasts.
Ego wants to avoid perceived hurt at all costs and needs concrete answers for everything. Nobody's life is black and white. We are full of fluidity in terms of our growth, past experiences and desires. Getting mad because something doesn't go in a crystal clear motion at all times is unrealistic and that's negatively emotional. No bueno.
Now, cause C. My fragile ego in relationships. Listen, I can handle opposition in just about every aspect of my life & bounce right back. Lordt but don't let it come from someone I'm falling for. I get mad. I get hurt. I sometimes pop off. I know I am not alone in this behavior. More often than not, our actual feelings are not hurt. It's our egos. The potential feeling of romantic rejection is something it cannot handle. So we have to make stupid points about petty matters, we have to get back at that person that wronged us, we have to make so and so jealous, we have to jump to conclusions rather than asking (asking seems as though you care, ego can't care), etc. the list could go on forever.
It is the epitome of childishness. I cannot stress enough that when we act super emotional nine times out of ten it is all ego. It is based in a fear of being assed out, being rejected, being vulnerable and at the deemed mercy of someone else. What I've learned through countless trial and error: YOU CAN NEVER EXPERIENCE ANY TRULY BEAUTIFUL EMOTIONAL CONNECTIONS WITH OTHERS WHILE HOLDING ONTO EGO. All caps. Dramatic right? Remember I'm emotional.
We all have emotions. It's normal and wonderful. When they rear their head in an ugly way, take a step back and ask yourself: am I actually hurt? If not, it's ego. Let it go. Immerse yourself in the awesomeness of the unknown and all the exciting feelings that come along with the ride. What do people say when you get emotional? RELAX.